“I wanna say something. I’m gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don’t, send it right back. I want to be on you. ” -Ron Burgundy
There is no doubt that there is a positive correlation between warm weather and binge drinking. If you don’t believe me take a trip to Hobart Ln. in Amherst on a Friday night in May and you’ll get the picture. The weather this past weekend was gorgeous and I was able to do some behavioral research with my good friend bud light. While standing outside at a party …rather a palooza… (“jungle juice” Monster energy drinks, hot dogs, live band, and a dunk tank) I observed UMass students at their finest. Crazed shirtless male undergrads in hot pursuit of “DAT ASS” Girls shamelessly flaunting what 4 years of keg parties had given them; cottage cheese thighs and a lack of morality. As I stood there, drinking away my inhibitions, I wondered what the next morning would look like for these brazen co-eds. I imagined girls awkwardly searching for their purses and wondering if they were wearing a bra the day before…guys lying in bed thinking up excuses to get out of whatever dorm room they ended up in.
Maybe some of them would meet their soul mates that day, but I would have to bet that the majority will wish that they had higher standards and for the rest of their college careers be on the look out for the mutant they felt up back in 09′ thanks to Jim Beam and a record setting keg stand.
But, I digress. The real story here is about an article I read on Time.com called “Does Beer Goggling Affect Whom We Find Attractive?” http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1893671,00.html
Turns out, not really. Ah Shit, there goes your excuse for that romp you and Susie nine chins had Freshman year.
The study showed that men- drunk or not-have a natural attraction towards youthful facial features.
Recently, a pair of research psychologists — Vincent Egan of the University of Leicester and Giray Cordan of the University of Exeter — completed a survey of 240 subjects, half of whom had been drinking, to find out how drinkers and non-drinkers experience attraction. What they found was interesting, if a bit creepy.
The creepy part has to do with how all people, not just drinkers, rate the attractiveness of minors. Researchers have known for years that adults have a deep appreciation for neoteny, the retention of juvenile features like large eyes and baby-smooth skin in adults. Our fondness for neoteny is both obvious — most people find other people with youthful features to be attractive — and unsettling. Appreciating neotenous features isn’t the same as being sexually attracted to children, but at least one study has found that average, college-age heterosexual males and child molesters share remarkably similar (and deeply neotenous) attractions: high cheekbones, unwrinkled eyes, glabrous skin.
So what does this mean? Welp, basically it is officially okay to ridicule your friends for their… interesting… drunken selections.
Don’t make beer your scapegoat anymore, it just wants to be your friend.