A Marshfield man, hospitalized for spinal surgery says he has a miracle to thank for his instantaneous recovery.
While lying in bed 70-year-old Jack Sullivan- apparently not a fan of earthly drugs- filled his IV with 5o cc’s of Christ. In other words, he prayed.
“Not to some vast, unknowable god, but to a specific figure in the Catholic Church, vastly respected, yet mortal: Cardinal John Henry Newman, an Englishman who died in 1890.”
What blasphemy! praying to a commoner. And, besides, if I’m not mistaken wasn’t Mr. John Henry Newman the glutenous diabolical foe of Jerry Seinfeld? I prayed to him once too when I thought I forgot to ask for guacamole on my burrito.
Sullivan says that almost instantly after his prayer a warm tingling sensation could be felt throughout his body, and just like that he was pain free.
I am no doctor but this sounds a lot like the effects of morphine. At any rate, the real story here is what the Vatican has been doing since the purposed miracle. I was not aware of this, but apparently there is a branch of the Vatican that investigates miracles headed by Roto-Rooter turned ghost hunter, Grant Wilson.
“the branch of the Vatican that investigates possible miracles, has concluded that Sullivan’s recovery resulted from his prayer, the London Telegraph newspaper reported.”
The Vatican scientists must have used the scientific method to figure this out. Yes, we’ve sure come a long way from the days of blaming the unexplainable on witchcraft.
Research Question: Was Jack Sullivan the recipient of a miracle performed by Englishman turned magician J.H Newman?
Hypothesis: The Vatican research team hypothesizes that catholic science will prove the validity of Mr. Sullivan’s claim.
Experimental design: How can we test this?
A. Must find two 70 year old catholic men in need of back surgery. Make both of them pray blindly- redirect prayers, send one to the dead Englishman, send the other prayer to the late Bea Arthur.
B. Collect data- No tangible data. Both old men seem to be in pain. The one that prayed to Bea Arthur is in slightly less pain
Draw conclusion: Bea Arthur is magical- tell Vatican.
“A panel of doctors previously researched his claim and found no medical explanation for what happened, Sullivan said. The final decision on whether recognize the healing as a miracle rests with Pope Benedict XVI. If that status is given, as expected, it would lead to beatification for Newman. Sainthood would require recognition of a second miracle.”
How can we trust a panel of doctors. We’ve left important decisions up to them before and we are paying for it now! Remember when we found out that 4 out of 5 dentists (teeth doctors) recommend Trident? Well guess what, it’s a lie. They don’t even recommend chewing gum at all! Thanks for the cavities doc.
I think we need to ask Dr. House about this. He is the only physician entertaining and intelligent enough to figure it out.
House: ” I’ve coded his DNA. Looks like Mr. Sullivan is one lucky bastard. Take a look at this sequence.”
Other guy: ” wait…we’re missing something!”
House: “Exactly, it’s a genetic defect. Mr. Sullivan has an over active pituitary gland. He is producing enough endorphins for an army of sociopaths. ”
Other guy: “A natural pain killer. ”
House: “Contact the Vatican, science prevails once again. ”
I am happy for Jack Sullivan. He’s a new man. I am excited for John Henry Newman as well. All he needs to do is perform one more miracle and he will be nominated for Saint hood. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a hat trick!